Nonsensical Rambling While Watching The Simpsons

What up? Been a while. Here is a short story.

It was Saturday night about 11p.m. and I was at my desk reading the latest issue of National Geographic when suddenly a flash of light appeared behind me. I turned to see a tall glowing figure staring at me.

"Hi." he said waving his left hand.

"Um... hi. Who are you?" I asked.

"I am the Almighty Jesus."

"... No way."

"How dare you question the benevolent Jesus!" Jesus then pointed at the National Geographic, which immediately transformed into a copy of Hustler.

"Wow! OK, What do you want oh wise and powerful lord?"

"The amazing Jesus wants for you to do one thing..."

"... and that would be?"

"SILENCE! The glorious wonder that is Jesus was merely pausing for dramatic effect!"

"OK sorry. Continue."

"Thank you. Now as Jesus the magnificent was saying, you only have to do one thing... You must make for Jesus a meal of waffles."

"Um... waffles?"

"Yes."

"You want me to make you waffles?" I asked incredulously.

"It's a simple request."

"Yeah, but why me?"

"DO YOU QUESTION YOUR LORD?!"

"No no it's just... I've never made waffles before; I don't even have a waffle Iron."

"What? Are you not the human known as Emeril?"

"Um, no Jesus, my name is Phil. Phil Jones."

"DAMMIT! THIS IS THE THIRD HOUSE! JESUS JUST WANTED SOME WAFFLES!"

"Wait... you've gone to two other houses? Why did you think Emeril lived here? or either of those houses? Shouldn't Jesus know where Emeril lives? Why just assume I was Emeril? Do I look like Emeril?"

"Well... Um... The thing about that is... LOOK OVER THERE!"

"Then Jesus leaped out the open window and flew away, and that's how The Hustler got in my room."

"... Son, you don't have to lie, I just asked where you got the magazine. Was it your uncle Frank?" My father asked.

"But dad I'm serious, it was Jesus--"

"Enough! Just don't look at these things until you're older. And for lying you're grounded for a week."

He took the Hustler and left. After my grounding was over, I went to Sears and bought a waffle iron. Jesus came back later that year, and we had Emeril's Pecan Waffles with Dried Fruit Compote, and played Rock Band all night.

The End.

The New Five

I'm back with a new top 5 of the ladies. For no particular reason, in no particular order.

Megan Fox
Most recently seen in Transformers 2.

Amy Adams
Most recently seen in Sunshine Cleaning

Zooey Deschanel
Most recently seen in The Happening

Kristen Stewart
Most recently seen in Adventureland

Emma Watson
Most recently seen in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

There you have it.

"Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands! Ha ha ha ha! "

"HUMAN bean juice..."

Howdy. I took an accidental extended break in that I neglected to post anything in the last month. What happened in the time off?

Pros

• I enjoyed the Requel(Remake/Sequel since it plays as a sequel to the original) Friday The 13th.
• Lost has continued to be Amazing.
  
• I'm happy to report Watchmen far exceeded my expectations.
• I finally read Dexter in the Dark by Jeff Lindsay and Batman: the Long Halloween by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale.
  
• I watched the entire 4th season of Battlestar Galactica culminating in last week's Awesome finale.
• I got back into my XBOX 360 playing The Simpsons Game, Tomb Raider Anniversary and Legends of Wrestlemania.

Cons

• Unfortunately Lost and Battlestar are almost the only TV shows I'm not multiple episodes behind on.
• Because of a few unrelated circumstances I haven't gotten a DCBS order in almost 5 weeks.
• I've only seen 2 movies in the theater(1 twice) since the end of January, although I will remedy that tomorrow.

There you have it. Back soon with thoughts on a couple movies.

"In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon." -Dr. Manhattan

Quote of the Day

"Not every moment rules." -Scott Mosier

List-O-Rama: Day 21

Movies
Most Anticipated Movies of 2009
10. I Love You, Man - March 20th
Jason Segel + Paul Rudd + Jaime Pressly = Me there

9. Up - May 29th
Pixar

8. Jennifer's Body - September 18th
Demon possessed Megan Fox

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine - May 1st
The only reason i'm not more excited for this is the fact that Fox is not a well run studio right now.

6. Funny People - July 31st
Apatow

5. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - June 26th
ASPLOSIONS!

4. Terminator Salvation - May 22nd
Batman as John Connor

3. Inglourious Basterds - August 21st
Tarantino

2. Star Trek - May 8th
Never been a huge trek fan, but I am so excited for this.

1. Watchmen - March 6th
Just to see how they could pull it off.

THE END.

List-O-Rama: Day 20

Movies
Favorite Movies All-Time
10. The Shawshank Redemption
9. Back to the Future
8. Raiders of the Lost Ark
7. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
6. X2
5. Spider-man 2
4. Pulp Fiction
3. The Empire Strikes Back
2. The Dark Knight
1. Fight Club

Back on Friday.

List-O-Rama: Day 19

Movies
Favorite Directors All-Time
10. Zack Snyder
9. Peter Jackson
8. Paul Thomas Anderson
7. Edgar Wright
6. Guillermo Del Toro
5. The Coen Brothers
4. Quentin Tarantino
3. Christopher Nolan
2. David Fincher
1. Steven Spielberg

Back on Thursday.

List-O-Rama: Day 18

Movies
Favorite Quotes of 2008
10. "We're packing hot dogs for the road. You know, hot dogs get a bad rep. They gotta cool
shape, they got protein." -Nursery Owner from The Happening

9. "I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?"
"I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life." -Matthew & Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall

8. "You're a teacher?"
"Part-time." -Mutt Williams & Indiana Jones from Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

7. "Eh, Mr. Kraut, sir?"
"Krauss, agent. There's a double s."
"SS. Right, right." -Hellboy & Johann Krauss from Hellboy II: The Golden Army

6. "How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and
Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?"

"Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it."

"No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I
listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll
find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver!" -Zack & Miri from Zack and Miri Make a Porno

5. "How about a magic trick?" -The Joker from The Dark Knight

4. "Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing." -Tony Stark from Iron Man

3. "I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants." -Danny from Role Models

2. "I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!" -Kirk Lazarus from Tropic Thunder

1. "Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?" -The Joker from The Dark Knight

Back on Wednesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 17

Movies
Favorite Movies 2008
10. Zack and Miri Make A Porno
9. The Incredible Hulk
8. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
7. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Role Models
5. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
4. The Wrestler
3. Wall-E
2. Iron Man
1. The Dark Knight

Back on Tuesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 16

Movies
Favorite Directors 2008
10. The Coen Brothers for Burn After Reading
9. Steven Spielberg for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
8. Louis Leterrier for The Incredible Hulk
7. Jon Favreau for Iron Man
6. Andrew Stanton for Wall-E
5. Clint Eastwood for Gran Torino
4. Guillermo Del Toro for Hellboy II: The Golden Army
3. Darren Aronofsky for The Wrestler
2. Christopher Nolan for The Dark Knight
1. David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Back on Monday with my favorite movies of 2008.

List-O-Rama: Day 15

Movies
Favorite Actors 2008
5. Edward Norton as Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk
4. Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Wheeler in Revolutionary Road
3. Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
2. Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark in Iron Man
1. Mickey Rourke as Randy "The Ram" Robinson in The Wrestler

Back on Friday.

List-O-Rama: Day 14

Movies
Favorite Actresses 2008
5. Kat Dennings as Norah in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
4. Elizabeth Banks as Miri in Zack and Miri Make a Porno
3. Marisa Tomei as Cassidy in The Wrestler
2. Cate Blanchett as Daisy in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
1. Kate Winslet as April Wheeler in Revolutionary Road

Back on Thursday.

List-O-Rama: Day 13

Movies
Favorite Supporting Actors 2008
5. Craig Robinson as Delaney in Zack and Miri Make a Porno
4. Brad Pitt as Chad in Burn After Reading
3. Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight
2. Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon in The Dark Knight
1. Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight

Back on Wednesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 12

Movies. The final category. 10 lists. Here we go.

Favorite Supporting Actresses 2008
5. Megan Fox as Sophie Maes in How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
4. Evan Rachel Wood as Stephanie in The Wrestler
3. Taraji P. Henson as Queenie in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
2. Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts in Iron Man
1. Kristen Bell as Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Back on Tuesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 11

TV
Favorite Shows 2008(One Hour)
10. House
My second favorite drama set in a hospital.

9. Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles
My second favorite show featuring robots.

8. Friday Night Lights
My favorite show about a football team.

7. Pushing Daisies
My favorite show about a magic pie maker.

6. Bones
My favorite show about a scientist and an FBI agent.

5. Grey's Anatomy
My favorite drama set in a hospital.

4. Battlestar Galactica
My favorite show featuring robots.

3. The Shield
My favorite show about cops.

2. Chuck
My favorite show about a geek with a computer in his head.

1. Lost
My favorite show of 2008.

Back on Monday.

List-O-Rama: Day 10

TV
Favorite Shows 2008(Half-Hour)
10. American Dad
Most people don't like this show but I do.

9. King of the Hill
The most realistic of the animated shows.

8. Family Guy
Manatee jokes may be lazy, but they're still funny.

7. The Simpsons
It's getting on in years, but can still be great.

6. The Office
Much like the Simpsons, walks a fine line of making the main character too stupid.

5. My Name is Earl
The south sure is crazy.

4. The Big Bang Theory
I think it's safe to say it has the most geek references on TV.

3. 30 Rock
Considering the trouble they've had lately, I commend NBC for allowing themselves to be made fun of so much on this show.

2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dayman, ahhhhhh...

1. How I Met Your Mother
It's Slaptastic.

Back on Friday.

List-O-Rama: Day 9

TV
Favorite TV Actresses 2008
10. Jaime Pressly as Joy Turner on My Name Is Earl
Awesome trailer trash.

9. Kristin Chenoweth as Olive Snook on Pushing Daisies
Awesome singing waitress.

8. Summer Glau as Cameron on Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles
Awesome hot Robot.

7. Jenna Fischer as Pam Beesly on The Office
Awesome hot receptionist.

6. Olivia Wilde as Thirteen on House
Awesome hot doctor.

5. Katee Sackhoff as Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica
Awesome hot fighter pilot.

4. Christina Applegate as Samantha on Samantha Who?
Awesome hot amnesiac.

3. Tina Fey as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock
Awesome hot fake show runner.

2. Emily Deschanel as Dr. Temperance Brennan on Bones
Awesome hot anthropologist.

1. Yvonne Strahovski as Agent Sarah Walker on Chuck
Awesome hot CIA Agent.

Back on Thursday.

List-O-Rama: Day 8(Now With Extra Lazy!)

TV
Favorite TV Actors 2008
10. Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
He does the best crazy person on TV.

9. Lee Pace as Ned on Pushing Daisies
The best pie-maker on TV.

8. Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock
The best fake executive on TV.

7. Taylor Kitsch as Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights
The best loose cannon fullback on TV.

6. Chi McBride as Emerson Cod on Pushing Daisies
The best private detective on TV.

5. Hugh Laurie as Dr. House on House
The best limping doctor on TV.

4. Jason Lee as Earl Hickey on My Name is Earl
The best mustache on TV.

3. David Boreanaz as Seeley Booth on Bones
The best FBI agent on TV.

2. Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother
The Best NPH on TV.

1. Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory
The Best Theoretical Physicist on TV.

Back on Wednesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 7

TV
Favorite Family Guy Episodes
*Descriptions taken from Wikipedia*
10. Don't Make Me Over Season 4, Episode 4
Meg gets the ultimate makeover in an attempt to boost her confidence. Meanwhile, Peter aspires to start a rock band which, along with Meg's new attractiveness and talented singing voice, causes the entire family to become a traveling band and earns them a spot on Saturday Night Live.

9. Road to Germany Season 7, Episode 3
Mort Goldman accidentally steps into Stewie's time machine and goes back in time, and Brian and Stewie follow to retrieve him. When they discover that they've ended up in 1939 Poland, Stewie, Brian and Mort must make a perilous journey to Nazi Germany to find their way back to the present.

8. Emission Impossible Season 3, Episode 11
After delivering Lois's sister's newborn child, Lois and Peter decide to have another baby, prompting Stewie to do whatever he can to stop it, even if it means shrinking himself and wiping out every sperm in Peter's testicles. However, when he meets a sperm just like himself, Stewie begins to reconsider.

7. E. Peterbus Unum Season 2, Episode 18
While confronting the mayor about zoning issues around his house, Peter discovers that his house isn't anywhere on the map, prompting him to secede his house from the rest of the United States, creating the country "Petoria". His country gains no respect, so he invades the U.S. and annexes Joe's pool.

6. Road to Rhode Island Season 2, Episode 13
Brian volunteers to bring Stewie home from his grandparents' house in California, but the two miss their plane and must travel on foot for a cross-country journey back home. Meanwhile, Peter becomes addicted to watching a collection of marriage counseling videos hosted by a porn star.

5. Death Lives Season 3, Episode 6
On their wedding anniversary, Peter sends Lois all over Quahog on a scavenger hunt so he can go play golf. But when Peter gets struck by lightning and has a near-death experience, he meets Death again, who explains to Peter his marriage is in trouble if he doesn't have a revelation, and fast.

4. Brian: Portrait of a Dog Season 1, Episode 7
Brian swallows his pride when Peter convinces him to join a dog show so they can win money for a new air conditioner. But after an argument over a trick gone bad, Brian realizes he's a second-class citizen and runs away from home, but his fight for his civil rights lands him in the pound on the death row.

3. Da Boom Season 2, Episode 3
In this dream episode, Peter's newly adopted fears of the Y2K bug are realized after he cancels his family's New Year's Eve plans. After the Y2K apocalypse the Griffins must find a Twinkie factory to survive and establish a new town. This episode features the first fight between Peter and the Giant Chicken.

2. Let's Go to the Hop Season 2, Episode 14
Peter goes undercover as a high school student to kick youths off the habit of toad licking, making him extremely popular in Meg's school. Meg asks her dad out to the upcoming school dance in the hopes of becoming popular herself, but Peter chooses to go out with popular Connie D'Amico instead.

1. PTV Season 4, Episode 14
A "trouser malfunction" on live-broadcast TV prompts the FCC to censor even mildly objectionable content on TV. Outraged, Peter and Brian create their own TV station, filled with all-around obscene programming. When the FCC picks up on this, they go to drastic measures by censoring all of real life.

Back Tuesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 6

Day Six.

Comic Books
Favorite Villains All Time
10. The Kingpin
Scary giant man.

9. Green Goblin
Scary gliding man. With Pumpkin bombs.

8. Two-Face
He educated us all on the dangers of acid.

7. Deathstroke
One eyed Assassin.

6. Harley Quinn
Crazy clown chick.

5. Red Skull
Evil Nazi skullface.

4. Bullseye
Evil crazy chick killer.

3. Magneto
Evil Master of Magnetism.

2. Dr. Doom
Evil metal monarch.

1. The Joker
Evil clown that works with many different characterizations.

Back Monday.

List-O-Rama: Day 5

Day Five.

Comic Books
Favorite Heroes All-Time
10. Iron man
The coolest superhero.

9. Daredevil
A bad ass blind Superhero.

8. Thor
The God of Thunder.

7. Kitty Pryde
Kick ass chick.

6. Colossus
Kick ass Russian.

5. Green Lantern
Hal Jordan Green Lantern. Not Alan Scott, Guy Gardner, John Stewart, or Kyle Rayner.

4. Captain America
Steve Rodgers, R.I.P.

3. Spider-Man
The most relatable superhero... when he's not banging a supermodel.

2. Wolverine
Snikt!

1. Batman
The coolest orphan ever.

Back Friday.

List-O-Rama: Day 4

Day Four.

Comic Books
Favorite Ongoing Series 2008
10. New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis and Various Artists
I really enjoyed the buildup to Secret Invasion.

9. Amazing Spider-Man by Various Writers and Various Artists
They put out 36 issues this year, and I thought at least 25 of them were really good.

8. Daredevil By Ed Brubaker and Michael Lark
Another good year of blind superhero fun.

7. Criminal By Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips
Awesome crime stories.

6. Wolverine by Jason Aaron/Mark Millar and Ron Garney/Steve McNiven
Good stories from good creators for the little guy.

5. Fantastic Four by Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch
The best run on FF in over two years.

4. Green Arrow and Black Canary by Judd Winick and Cliff Chiang/Mike Norton
Awesome series that would more accurately be called Green Arrow Family, although that will change in 2009.

3. Green Lantern by Geoff Johns and Mike McKone/Ivan Reis
The secret origin arc was my favorite story in 2008

2. Thor by J. Michael Straczynski and Oliver Coipel/Marko Djurdjevic
The return of the God of Thunder was sweet.

1. Captain America by Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting/Butch Guice/Mike Perkins/Roberto De La Torre/ Luke Ross
The best ongoing story of the last three years continues.

Back Thursday.

List-O-Rama: Day 3

Day Three. Yippee.

Comic Books
Favorite Artists 2008
10. Terry Dodson - Wonder Woman/Uncanny X-Men
He draws pretty ladies.

9. John Romita Jr. - Kick-Ass/Amazing Spider-Man
One of the best Spider-Man artists ever.

8. Michael Lark - Daredevil
Gritty realistic goodness.

7. Marcos Martin - Amazing Spider-Man
My best new artist of 2008.

6. Cliff Chiang - Green Arrow and Black Canary
He draws an awesome Speedy.

5. Gary Frank - Action Comics
My favorite Superman artist in a while.

4. Ivan Reis - Green Lantern
He draws pretty space.

3. Bryan Hitch - Fantastic Four
Super detailed stuff.

2. Leinil Yu - Secret Invasion/New Avengers
I dig his style, a little sketchy but cool.

1. Steve McNiven - Wolverine/Amazing Spider-Man
He is rockin' it in the future on Wolverine.

Back Wednesday.

List-O-Rama: Day 2

Here it is. Day two of List-O-Rama. Two lists today.

Podcasts
Favorite Podcasts
5. Ken P.D. Snydecast
Featuring Dana Snyder, voice of Mastershake on Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

4. IGN.com - Channel Surfing
My go to TV podcast

3. The Uncanny X-Cast
My go to X-Men podcast

2. iFanboy.com Comic Book Podcast
My favorite comic book podcast

1. SModcast
Featuring Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier. Genius.

Comic Books
Favorite Writers 2008
10. Judd Winick - Green Arrow and Black Canary
His was the first Green Arrow stuff I read, and it made me a big G.A. fan

9. Paul Dini - Detective Comics
I love reading his Batman.

8. J. Michael Straczynski - Thor
I was a fan of his run on Amazing Spider-Man, and having never read Thor I picked up his first issue and loved it.

7. Brian Reed - Ms. Marvel
Writes my favorite book starring a chick, also enjoyed his Captain Marvel Mini-Series.

6. Garth Ennis - The Boys
Garth Ennis is the go to guy for fucked up comics.

5. Matt Fraction - Invincible Iron Man/Uncanny X-Men/Immortal Iron-Fist
I like pretty much everything he writes.

4. Mark Millar - Marvel 1985/Fantastic Four/Wolverine/Kick-Ass
If Ennis is unavailable Mark Millar is the second go to guy for fucked up comics.

3. Brian Michael Bendis - New Avengers/Mighty Avengers/Secret Invasion/Ultimate Spider-Man
In my opinion the best bald writer in comics.

2. Geoff Johns - Booster Gold/Green Lantern/Action Comics
I can't imagine reading DC comics without Johns.

1. Ed Brubaker - Captain America/Daredevil/Criminal/Uncanny X-Men
Writer of my favorite book of the year, and 3 of my top ten.

Back Tuesday.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!... Now Let's Talk 2008 for a Whole Month.

Welcome to List-O-Rama 2009! Wherein I countdown my best of 2008 in the categories of Music, Podcasts, Comic Books, Television and Movies. Since I don't want this to take forever each item on the lists will be accompanied with a one sentence thought. First up is Music.

Favorite Albums 2008
10. Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace by The Offspring
Another solid release.

9. Volume One by She & Him
Zooey Deschanel may have been bad in The Happening, but she sings very well on this debut.

8. Juno - Music From The Motion Picture by Various Artists
A very unique soundtrack to a very unique movie.

7. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Catchy indie rock.

6. Day & Age by The Killers
Weird dancy rock.

5. Death Magnetic by Metallica
A return to form.

4. The Dark Knight - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer & James Newton Howard
I can't even think what the movie would be like without this score.

3. Appeal To Reason by Rise Against
These fellas sure don't like war.

2. One of the Boys by Katy Perry
I didn't enjoy this the first time around, but it grows on me every time I hear it.

1. Here We Stand by The Fratellis
An awesome sophomore release from the British rockers.

Back on Monday.